Crying Angel

Long time no see...

2006-02-26T17:04:00.000+01:00

This is my 164th post...
An important part of my past is written down here...that´s the reason I still keep this site up. Eventho I have other journals I update often now.

I thank all the people who cared for me here, and supported me whenever I needed it. Thank you all a lot.

Me.

Whoa...

2005-11-08T20:34:00.000+01:00

Long time no post. Sorry guys! I'm damn busy these days.
Let's see how my day looks like nowadays:
I wake up
Go to school with the bus/train
I have classes
I go back home with the train/bus
I make homework
I have dinner
I finish homework
I msn a while cq do some things for school
I go to bed
I sleep
I wake up...and the whole routine starts again.

A lot have happened since the last time I wrote, but I won't write about that.

Gha

2005-09-23T16:35:00.000+02:00

Damn...mom is pissed again..
Does this ever stop?
Glad I'll be away after dinner...
Fuck it...

I know, I should write more often here. Sorry guys!

Save Me From Myself

2005-09-10T21:55:00.000+02:00

A lyric post...I L.O.V.E this song, and I L.O.V.E Sirenia.

Save me now
before my world falls
Save me now
from myself
before the dawn

Save me now
I’m at the reaper’s door
Can’t you see
you hold the key
to set my mind free...

My my

2005-09-09T17:12:00.000+02:00

Lousy writer am I...
How could I disappoint all my fans so much? ;)Hehehe...
So, what's up?

Ehm, I started college...Yay! *I think...*
Ok, thus far it's ok. I meet new people, I'm in a new school system, I travel in a new way...Usually I don't like changes that much. But I'm fine with this, since the last part of my old school was pretty much a hell for me. So I'm glad I can start over ^-^

Just that I have to travel long and have to get out of bed early >.< That's not so funny. But thanks to mom I meeted a guy I could travel with (not all the days tho, we have a different schedule) His name is Ko and we get along very well. I'm glad about that since I didn't had any friend who lived close to me ^-^
He and his brother were going to a concert of Opeth and he asked me along with them. Hope it's gonna be fun next wednesday!

Now I'm out

Fullfilled

2005-08-24T19:35:00.000+02:00

It's done, the bond is fullfilled.
The vow is burned.

Went to the forest on my own...
To our place
(wich was empty without you)
And burned it.
Then let the wind blow the ashes out of the bowl...

Felt numb today. Miss you a lot...

CHII

2005-07-25T13:43:00.000+02:00

Ok, because everyone is curous, here is a pic of my cute little Chii.
SHE'S NOT EVIL!!!!

And, as a bonus, a photo of me and José ;)

NEWS

2005-07-25T13:14:00.000+02:00

Well well well, here we are. Heh. I've had so much fun these days. Aaand, today, it's raining...Welcome to the Netherlands dear. Boh, sucky weather. It's supposed to be summer damnit! But it looks more like autumn. Not that I do not like autumn, but just not that summer looks like autumn, spring looks like autumn, and winter looks like autumn...CHU

That was the news. For more news, visit my Oni-Tenshi blog.

I'm out

3 days...

2005-07-19T22:08:00.000+02:00

Just 3 days...

Heh, nothing more to post at the moment, but the news; Just 3 days....

Ok, some news

2005-07-17T18:13:00.000+02:00

As anyone who reads my ohw so interesting blog knows, my love will be here within 5 days. And because everyone is oh so concerned about us we probably will make another blog wherin we write about whatever we want when he's here ;)

More news will follow

And the list of noise keeps growing...

2005-07-15T19:48:00.000+02:00

Added recently or new:
Inkubus Sukkubus
Mortiis
Xandria
Flowing Tears
Sonata Arctica
Visions of Atlantis (Nightwish rip off, but who cares? :P)
Moonsorrow

Gotham Radio

2005-07-14T14:53:00.000+02:00

Ok, some advertisement!

Everybody who loves Goth metal, go here!!!

http://status.gothmetal.net/cool.htm
They play awesome music 24/7. You get to know new bands and it's free ;)

Farewell suckers...

2005-07-14T13:35:00.000+02:00

Yeah, I'm officially outta school now. Today we had to come there to get our "rapport" I got a certificat too so I can show what I have done this schoolyear.

Was pretty boring. My mentor got me a farewell present and a postcard wich everybody signed, and he spoke a while to me. That was nice. But when it was time to leave NO-ONE said anything to me in personal!!! Not even my "friends". Just nothing....

That's why I say; Farewell suckers, you won't see me back.

Oh joy...

2005-07-10T13:36:00.000+02:00

Hargen&Sail was ok...
Just a little detail, I found out my brother has told all his friends who do not know me that I'm ugly and gothic...
How nice of him *cough*sarcasm*cough*

O sure, I'm a goth, but you do not have to say that with such a negativity

So all his "friends" were asking me: So, are you Dia's sister?
Ehm, yeah, but how do you know that?
O, he always says that his sister is ugly and gothic

Whatever.

I'm pissed at him, sure thing. I already have enough problems without him making me new ones. Sheesh!!

Ok....

2005-07-07T20:23:00.000+02:00

Now where the fuck is my background???

All kinds of metal

2005-07-07T20:20:00.000+02:00

Hahahaha, found this somewhere on the net
It's way too funny ;)

*People with no humor, don't read >.<*
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers
and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes
and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all
the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her,
then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front
of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual
before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body
again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for
the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could
never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon
eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The
dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the
princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he
learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking
for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle
in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL/RAP
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
fire.

*METALCORE/EMO
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in an anger that someone messed up his dance routine.

*STREET PUNK
The protagonist runs towards the castle with his 6 foot high dayglo mohawk hair, passes a mirror and stops, turns to check if the glue still is holding up the hawk, and is devoured by the dragon which then dies from the chemicals resulting from too much hair spray, hair dye, and elmers glue from the street punker..no one gets to fuck the princess.

*GOTH METAL
The protagonist arrives, looks in a mirror to see if his make-up is still intact, but when he sees his mascara is all over the white foundation he stumbles in his chains, falls on the princess who falls on the dragon, they both fuck her and leave happily ever after!(thats from his lust!)

Gha

2005-07-05T12:13:00.000+02:00

I feel B.A.D. No fun, not at all.
And I don't even know why...It just appeared out of nothing...
Another bad thing, I feel the urge now...Not good, definitely not good.

Gha, have to bring my books back to school, and in the evening we have that crappy dinner with the whole class...

I don't want!!!!
I feel so uncomfortable there...I think I would feel like an intruder....

Sucks...big time.

Bleeegh

2005-07-03T16:21:00.000+02:00

I don't wanna go to work!!!
O well, I have to.

Bwahahaha, and I have nearly most songs of the new record of Leaves' Eyes!!!
Whoot whoot!!! Me loves it ^-^
Their songs are so beautiful. I was really suprised when I heard Amhran yesterday. O ofcourse, Elegy sounds very like their songs on "Lovelorn" but it's beautiful!!!

Right now I'm listening to "Who wants to live forever" not by queen, but by Floor Jansen (After Forever) and Ayreon (...Lucas I believe...forgot his first name) Hehehehe, cool cover ^-^

Yeah, I'm a music addict, so what!!!

Happy Birthday!!!

2005-07-02T22:26:00.000+02:00

Sweet 19 my love!!!!

Hahaha, now everyone knows when your birthday is, so you can't keep it a secret like Mr Saturnyne ;) I spoiled it!!!

Aaand, I'm gonna see you in 20 days!!! Whoohooo!!!
Be afraid world, be very afraid

SI.

2005-06-30T18:45:00.000+02:00

Most people who self-injure tend to be perfectionists, are unable to handle intense feelings, are unable to express their emotions verbally, have dislike for themselves and their bodies, and can experience severe mood swings. They may turn to self-injury as a way to express their feelings and emotions, or as a way to punish themselves.
The cutter is often a white woman, middle class of above average intelligence who began cutting herself in adolescence. She has low self-esteem and may suffer from bouts of depression. she has trouble relating to people and forming intimate relationships. despite her smarts and education, she has an extremely hard time articulating her thoughts and feelings and a seemingly insatiable need for love and acceptance. because she did not internalize positive nurturing skills from her parents, she does not take very good care of herself and feels that she is too bad a person "to deserve comforts or luxuries."

The cutter is someone who experiences herself as powerless. She may not be docile, timid or shy in public; she may even be quite outgoing. But no matter how outgoing or confident she seems, she feels alone wherever she is, different from everyone around her, an outsider. She is often plagued by a fear of punishment - usually from a parent - for being deficient, inadequate, a disappointment in a way that was either specifically defined for her, or one that is unspoken but understood."

Like the anorexic, she may feel that she has no one to depend upon or trust with her emotions. that feeling alone will produce fearfulness most of the time, even when there is no immediate cause to fear. so, what we know about this person is that she is afraid, and she may hide behind obsessional thinking or eating disorders as well as self-mutilation to gain relief from her constant state of fear. she is seeking all the relief she can find from her fearfulness. often, she is a high achiever in some area, whether it is in academics, the arts, or athletics. at the same time, she may ignore (and usually does) subjects that don't interest her. Her school record may fluctuate from a's to f's.
The self-mutilator has a history of being hurt, harmed or molested. when this is the case, mistrust is her security. she will constantly look for opportunities to mistrust helpers. she often invites harming behavior from her helpers thus confirming her need to mistrust them, as well as her need to hide and protect herself from those who seek to help her. she may do this in a passive manner by not talking during therapy sessions. seeming to daydream in order to escape any connection with her therapist, she is in fact constantly testing. her need to protect herself from others by mistrusting them could frustrate the less than determined helper. life has taught the self-harmer not to trust anyone, or in less severe cases, to be extremely wary. she will set up many tests for a person to pass before taking even a limited chance to risk such trust.

-And the big question:
WHY????
Self Injury is often used as a coping mechanism. In cases where the person is suffering from terrible depression and medical Bi Polar Disorder...Self Injury can be the only way they know of staying alive. Drugs dont always work, and when they fail - people resort to the one thing that does help.
Many people can stop - and do - as they find different ways of coping. Some dont. Some cant.
Self harm provides a solution, a remedy for how they are feeling. Most Self Harmers have clinical or undiagnosed depressional or mental problems. Self Injury helps them to cope by :
.Releasing intense feelings/emotions
.Physically expressing pain
.Self-punishment
.Establishing control
.Enjoyment of feeling - adrenaline rush

-Suicide vs. Self-injury
The purpose of suicide is to end all suffering through death. The popular catch phrase is “a permenant solution to a temporary problem”. Suicide is also done for other reasons, such as protest, puinishment, shame, experimentation as well as many more.

The contrast is self-injury, sustaining life throught physical pain. The reason for self-injury is wide, and far too often starts as accident. When a person expierences pain, endorphines and adrenline are released, resulting in a high not unlike the one joggers expierence, or when you eat very spicy food. This causes a physical addiction. Self-injury is often a cry for help, or a way to fit into an image.

-What is self-injury?
It's called many things -- self-inflicted violence, self-injury, self-harm, parasuicide, delicate cutting, self-abuse, self-mutilation (this last particularly seems to annoy people who self-injure).

Broadly speaking, self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state by inflicting physical harm serious enough to cause tissue damage to one's body.
Approximately 1% of the United States population uses physical self-injury as a way of dealing with overwhelming feelings or situations, often using it to speak when no words will come.

-What is self-injurious behavior?
The forms and severity of self-injury can vary, although the most commonly seen behavior is cutting, burning, and head-banging. Other forms of self-injurious behavior include:
Carving, scratching, branding, marking, burning/abrasions, biting, bruising, hitting, picking/pulling skin and hair, excessive nail biting, excessive lip biting and interference with wound healing.

It reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly.
Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling.

Some people never get a chance to learn how to cope effectively.
One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at any early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping. You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. Although a history of abuse is common about self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.

-What kinds of people self-injure?
Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. People who harm themselves can be male or female; straight, gay, or bisexual; Ph.D.s or high-school dropouts or high-school students; rich or poor; from any country in the world. Some people who self-injure manage to function effectively in demanding jobs; they are teachers, therapists, medical professionals, lawyers, professors, engineers. Some are on disability. Their ages range from early teens to early 60s.

In fact, the incidence of self-injury is about the same as that of eating disorders, but because it's so highly stigmatized, most people hide their scars, burns, and bruises carefully. They also have excuses ready when someone asks about the scars.

-Aren't people who would deliberately cut or burn themselves psychotic?
No more than people who drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka are. It's a coping mechanism, just not one that's as understandable to most people or as accepted by society as alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia and bulimia, workaholism, smoking cigarettes, and other forms of problem avoidance.

Sorry, long story. But I hope it make some people clear that a lot people do not injure themself because they think it's cool. Or because they're attention seekers.
And that it's not so easy to stop with it once you started with it...

Bring on tha noise

2005-06-30T18:24:00.000+02:00

Ok, I found myself liking more music lately, so hear is a new list of stuff I like. (this doesn't have to mean I own a record or anything, but just like the music for as far as I know it)
Here we go

Adema
After Forever
Angelzoom
Apocalyptica
Asrai
Autumn
Ayreon
Behemoth
Björk
Crazy Town
Dark Tranquility
Darkwell
Dimmu Borgir
Edenbridge
Epica
Evanescence
Flogging Molly
Flowing Tears
God Dethroned
Godsmack
Graveworm
HIM
Hoobastank
In Flames
Imperia
Jack of Jill
Kamelot
Katatonia
Kittie
KoRn
Lacuna Coil
L'ame Immortelle
Leaves' Eyes
Linkin Park
Lost Prophets
Lullacry
Lunatica
Marduk
Marilyn Manson
Mayaa Sakamoto
McBeth
Mnemic
Moonsorrow
Morning Musume
Mudvayne
My Chemical Romance
My Dying Bride
Nemesea
Nightfall
Nightwish
Opeth
Otep
Papa Roach
Penumbra
Rammstein
Rhapsody
Seether
Sirenia
Skye Sweetnam
Slipknot
Staind
System of a Down
Theatre of Tragedy
Therion
Three Days Grace
Tori Amos
Trail of Tears
Tristania
Within Temptation
X-Japan
Xandria

And I'm sure there are much more I don't know yet ^-^

Sat!!!

2005-06-27T10:45:00.000+02:00

Where are thou???

The only thing that appears on your blog is the word "helloooo!!!"
*cries*

Are you ok?

Whoa

2005-06-24T19:03:00.000+02:00

For the first time in 2 years I was to the beach...
Man, I was scared in the beginning...

I wasn't wearing any bracelets, and I wore a white dress. So I had the feeling every-one would stare at me. But lukily the beach was very quiet. I even have swimmed twice!(ok ok, the first time it wasn't really swimming :P)
Gawd, the water was cold!!! 18 degrees according to mom...

I think I'm sunburned now a little. Me and my sensitive skin. Boh

The alternative list :P

2005-06-21T21:12:00.000+02:00

Yesyes, here it is, the alternative list for in July!!!

-José doing the "little perv" dance and I tape it ^-^
-I have to dance like a banana
-Make him wear girls clothes (in the city stores?)
-I have to wear his clothes...(complete with spongebob boxers)
-He's gonna try eyeliner (don't ask)
-Getting drunk and making pictures of eachother (hahahaha!)
-Learning how to abduct the mailman and threaten him ;)
-Draw together

Aaand, ofcourse; "the bond"

Old servey again

2005-06-20T17:03:00.000+02:00

But the results are still weird :P
But it doesn't even worry me anymore...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Shit happens...

2005-06-20T16:37:00.000+02:00

Yeah, sure, but why so much at once?
Ok ok, not everything happened to me personal, but to friends I care about a lot too.
Today I heared the father of a friend had a stroke...(I really hope he'll do better soon)
A couple of days before I heard the father of another friend had an heartattack. I think he's doing better.
The grandma of my loved one died...
And saturday I heard that the skincancer my dad has is worser then my dad pretends it is...FUCK.
It's not that he'll die very soon...but he has to be careful very much...and that's something he doesn't really do. So I'm worried about him. And my brother is too...

That were the major things...
Not to speak about the minor...

Surevy survey survey

2005-06-20T15:47:00.000+02:00

Look at this

Ghjaghjaghja ^-^

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Narcissism	\|\|	10%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I don't even know what some things mean...>.<
Bluh.

Comments

2005-06-17T21:53:00.000+02:00

I WANT COMMENTS!!!!
>.<

Bwahahahaha

Lyric/Poem - Will they

2005-06-16T13:28:00.000+02:00

Burning inside is the fear
What will they do when they hear
What will they do when they see
All that I have done to me
Will they pretend like they are blind
Will incomprehension be all I'll find
Or will they understand me when I tell
How it is to live in my own hell

Frantic searching for a solution
Looking desperately for a way out

Burning inside is the fear
Will they act different when I'm near
What will they do when they see
All that I hate to be
Will they see the torture I held inside
Will they safe what's left of my pride
Or will they turn away and reject me
When my secrets are naked to see

Frantic searching for a solution
Looking desperately for a way out...

Yes, for the first time in...half a year or something I wrote new lyrics.
I'm not sure yet or I like them tho...

Lyric - nameless yet

2005-06-16T13:23:00.000+02:00

An empty soul in an empty shell
Locked away in your own hell
I know the one you show to me
is not the one you wish to be

Slowely vanishing away
Forever lost in a dying day
I know the one you show to me
is not the one you wish to be

(CH) Happyness, is not yours to gain
you only find lonelyness
Misery, there's no-one to blame
you will never find rest

Pretending to be like them all
But they won't catch you, they let you fall
They know the one that they all see
is not the one you wish to be

Tangled up in such a lie
All that's left is your wish to die
They know the one that they all see
is not the one you wish to be

Ch.
Ch.

Comments anyone???

EPICA report!!!!

2005-06-13T20:34:00.000+02:00

Ok people, this is my report of the Epica concert!!!

Dad brought me, but couldn't enter the city center with the car. So I had to walk a tiny bit.
When I entered the concert room there were already pretty much people, and it was hot in there! Phoei.
First I bought a T-shirt (Yay!!)

Pretty soon Annatar started playing. They were the support act. And I have to say, they were pretty good. I had never heard from them before. The only thing I missed were the choiral parts in some songs, but maybe they'll have them on the demo record or something. While they were playing their first song, I accidentally stumbeled on Jurjen and Michelle. There were 3 other people with them. A nephew of Mich, Erwin. And a brother and sister they knew *forgot their names...silly me*
Mich acted very cold towards me, but I had a lot of fun with Jurjen and the guy I forgot the name of. (Jurjen is totally crazy :P)

After a short break Epica finally started! ^-^
They started with "Huban K'u "A new Age Dawns - prologue" (The first track from Conseign to Oblivion) and all the artists came up. Then they played "Dance of Fate" and "The Last Crusade "A new Age Dawns - part I". Man, the music was L.O.U.D, and it was awesome. Simone sang really really well, and Marks grunts were cool too.

Everybody was headbanging and singing along. The ambience was totally cool. Had lot's of fun with that insane Jurjen. Anyway, the performance was absolutely awesome, and I'm glad I went.
After the concert I bought a giant "The Phantom Agony" poster, and I got a small "We will take you with us" for free ^-^

The print of my shirt

When I'm queen - Jack of Jill

2005-06-09T21:32:00.000+02:00

Yes another lyric :P
Very cool song, in my opinion...

When I am queen I will insist with perfect scars upon my wrists
that everything you once held dear is taken away from you

When I am queen sweet girlscout's face and not a one will fall from grace
If all their hearts I could replace, but until then I'll have to...

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

When I am queen on royal thrown made out of parts of broken bones
of all the devils I have known that suck the angels dry

When I am queen I'll have my way I'll make it drowning dollie day
and all the tears that we have cried will suck back in our eyes

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby go to sleep
Hush baby hush baby
Hush baby I'll make it be

When I am queen I will not wait my body type will still be great
I will not leave it up to fate because I hate you too

When I am queen they all will see the patron saint of self-injury
the glitter sores will heal themselves I'll play the part of someone else

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown drown drown myself
Drown

Summer Darkness

2005-06-09T17:13:00.000+02:00

Hell, I want to go to that festival with my dear when he's here!!!

Look to all the bands that come!!

Therion, Dulce Liquido, Suicide Commando, Epica, Qntal
Asrai, the Azoic, Autumn, the Birthday Massacre, Chillburn, Cruxshadows, Glis feat: JL Demeyer (Front242),Gothminister, Image Transmission, More machine than man, Morning, Morgenstern, My Insanity, Nemesea, Old Dead Tree, Olen`k, Penumbra, RAUW met T.Raumschmiere & Joost van Bellen & Radioslave, Syrian, S.K.E.T. , Tamtrum, UnterNull,

OMFG!!!!!

I WANNA GO I WANNA GO!!!!

Precious things - Tori Amos

2005-06-09T17:01:00.000+02:00

So I ran faster
But it caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
Like my ankle
In the seventh grade
Running after billy
Running after the rain

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me

He said you’re really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe that
Sick sick
Holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesn’t make you jesus

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me

I remember
Yes in my peach party dress
No one dared
No one cared
To tell me where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
With their nine-inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them bleed now
Let them wash away
These these precious things
Let them break their hold over me

Precious ...
Precious ...

Such a beautiful song....

Hehehehe....

2005-06-09T13:36:00.000+02:00

I'm bad....I'm sooo bad ^-^
I just bough 3 records today....
1 for each of us, ha!

*I allowed myself to do that, because they were for sale ^-^*

1. Tori Amos - Little earthquakes (for Bird)
2. Adema - Same (for Darkchild and Eki)
3. System of a Down - Toxicity (For Darkchild and Eki too)

Boh, and a stupid bratt crashed with his bike into mine....
If you can't bike kiddo, then don't try!!!
One day you might hurt some-one...

Oh, and a note to self; bitting your skin of your knuckle ain't a good idea...
Now it became inflammed...Ouch >.<

And eating to much chocolate too fast ain't smart either :P Tummy hurt now..
Hehehehehe

New diary opening....

2005-06-08T19:57:00.000+02:00

Cause my old one sucked!! Chu!! >.<

This diary belongs to me,
stop here and now I warn thee.
Thou shall regret what thou shall see.
Watch out because thou shall learn,
thee only gets what thou dost earn!!!

Bwahahaha, made this myself, ok ok, the last line is stolen from Nemesea....
So what? (uses angel face) Ladieladiela
*walks away whistling*

Whoa...

2005-06-05T21:27:00.000+02:00

Now, that's what I call art.... O.o

Not normal

2005-06-05T19:58:00.000+02:00

Sheesh, this is insane, really
At the moment I'm wearing 3 pairs of socks, 3 shirts (2 thick ones and a top) and still I'm cold!!!!
This sure ain't normal. Stomach is feeling weird too...I hope I won't fall ill...
(ok ok, I confess, I lie, it wouldn't be bad at all. Staying at home for a couple of days...)

Buh....

Another day

2005-06-02T21:48:00.000+02:00

A lyric for you....
(From L'ame Immortelle, I think I'll send it you soon ^-^)

As I sit along the shore
Of my wishes and my dreams
My Pride lies shattered on the floor
With the fading sunlight beams

My thoughts embraced by nothingness
mindwaves passing by so slow
I long for your tender caress
As innocent as young fresh snow

As the silence fades away
I gather strength for another day
Another day I've to go through
Another day here, without you X2

To flee from my addiction
I go out, to seek the voices
That speak an empty benediction
Of hollow words and empty choices

But these words, they keep me sane
Until the moment you return
Where I let go of all the pain
Free of anger and concern

As the silence fades away
I gather strength for another day
Another day I've to go through
Another day here, without you X2

When I hold you in my arms
The silence, that I did evade
Turns into voices screaming joy
And my pain to rest is laid

And I feel your warmth and love
As it into me doth flow
I come to only one conclusion
I will never let you go

I love you.
A lot.

Fallen again

2005-06-02T20:26:00.000+02:00

Damn, I'm so weak
(I feel weak)
I fell again yesterday.
Felt so dead
Couldn't handle anymore
the demons I have in my head

Knowing it's so wrong
But not knowing what else to do
Their screams for blood too loud
So I forgot everything
the things life is all about.

I know, I'm a crappy poet. I can do better, but this is what came out at this very moment. So it's ok.

Yes, I fell. I cutted again. One insicion was made.
And yes, I regret it. Wish I didn't need it to injure myself everytime my emotions are fucked up...

Seems I'm stuck with it for some more time.
*sigh*

The things we can do....

2005-06-01T19:37:00.000+02:00

In July ofcourse ;)

-Go to A'dam for a day (Waterlooplein!!!)
-Go to Madame Tusauds (or however you write that)
-Go to Six Flags (O, wait, that's called Walibi World now >.<)
-Go to the black market in Beverwijk
-Go to the cheese market in Alkmaar (and Alkmaar itself :P)
-Go to a campsite for a week or so
-Go to the Efteling
-Go to the beach
-Go to the forest
-Go to the polder (hehehe, don't know the english word)
-Go to the fair of Warmenhuizen
-Go to the summermarket of Groet/Schoorl

Anyway, there are plenty of things to do ;) So we won't get bored.

Pretty things....but sold out

2005-05-28T13:26:00.000+02:00

OK, this might make me look like a tottaly obsessed freak, or -as some say- a shop-a-holic, but I don't care. Lately I look at a lot of on-line clothing stores, and some things are way to cool (or pretty or cute or whatever)
This time I was looking at the site of the brand H.Naoto (Japanese designer) and found lot's of cool stuff. The only point is, most of it is sold out!!!
Then why keeping images up at the site I'd say...
(ok ok, not like I'll ever order those things anyway :P)
But here are some pics.

Sold out...

Sold out...

Yep, sold out too...

And that one too...

Lalalalalaa....how useless can a post be?

Chu!!!

Alrighty then

2005-05-27T13:41:00.000+02:00

I have a Paypal account from now on.
Whooo

So I can finally transfer money...if I want.
The point is that I'm reluctant to do so...
I don't really trust the net. CHU!!! >.<
I mean...sometimes orders and all get lost...or information is leaked or something.

Anyway, I can if I want...

Gotta remember this ;)

2005-05-19T21:10:00.000+02:00

In July, some-one is gonna do the "little perv" dance.

AN I'LL TAPE IT!!!!
Mwhoehahahahaha
*laughs evily*

O, and everything is ok again. Happy about that.
Happy 6 months too dear ^-^

NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!

2005-05-17T20:34:00.000+02:00

You hear me???
NEVER.

You told me yourself, it was not worth it...
I know I didn't listened to that either, but that was only 1
And no fucking 42 times!!!

Broken trust...

2005-05-17T12:09:00.000+02:00

My trust is broken...again.
By the only one I thought I could trust...Man, I was so wrong.

O yeah, sure, you regret it after what you did.
But you should have known better!!
And don't give me that shit that it "just fucking happened" That's freaking bullshit.
You weren't drunk, neither under invuence of drugs or something, so you knew exactly what you did!!
Man, I'm so disappointed.
HOW COULD YOU!!!!???

First you hugged a girl, then you kissed a girl. And what will be next? That you fuck with some-one???
Remember that you wrote me you were never EVER going to lie to me or cheat on me??
Well, you did BOTH.
You lied when you said that those things were never going to happen, and to me, kissing with another girl is cheating!!!
How can I ever trust you again?? I've putted all my trust in you, and you broke it. You fucking broke it!!!

Perhaps the distance between the 2 of us is just too big...
But we knew that from the beginning isn't it???
Well, if you can't handle that distance, then maybe it's better to break up, so you'll be free to find yourself a girlfriend close to home...Maybe that's the best.

I've been hurted too much in too short time, I just don't know what to do anymore...

FUCK...

And yes, I cutted, but I don't care. I don't care you said this wasn't worth it, cause who are you to decide for me what's worth and what not???

Wanted!!!

2005-05-13T19:54:00.000+02:00

Those clothes are sooooo kawaii!!!I wish I knew how to ship then *cries*
The problem is that they have to be ordered from Japan, wich means I have problems with getting the money transfered....Damn.

So I thought, then I sew things like that myself. But runned into other problems...
I can't sew at all...
And mom don't want to learn me cause she HATES sewing (they forced her to learn it on school when she was younger, but she hated it)

Soooo, want some-one gives them to me as a gift???
*puts cute eyes*
Please????

End

2005-05-13T19:22:00.000+02:00

Ok, this was it. I don't have a friend anymore (here in the Netherlands) at least no good ones.

Yesterday I wanted to talk to Mich...it would be her last chance.
I took the first 2 hours off since I was so goddamned tired. On school she avoided me again, just as yesterday.
When I walked to her and said we really had to talk, she ended up saying she didn't felt like it.
She just rejected it!!!

Damn!!

Well, I'm done with her now. I guess this was the best thing for me to do anyway. A friendship shouldn't cause so much distress, anger and hurt....

End.End.End.

Here we go again....

2005-05-11T21:24:00.000+02:00

I'm sick of this shit, really.
Gonna make her clear that nobody messes with me (not anymore, at least)
She went way past my borders right now, and she's not getting away with this.
I don't deserve it to be treatened like this goddamned!!!

We didn't talk monday...didn't knew how to start with it...
Anyway, yesterday evening she started talking to me.
I had been to the city that day, cause I needed new summerclothes and some other stuff. Saw 2 guys from school there. (To know; one who's in love with Mich, and one who was but already had a girlfriend)They came to me to ask what I was doing. Talked a while with them.(About nothing, as usual)
She said: I heard you were in the city?
Me: Indeed
She: Why?
Me: To buy clothes
She: Tss, then why didn't you go to school today?
(She doesn't understand it does she???)
She: I'm sorry, but I don't understand you.
Me: Why is that then?
She: You're supposed to stay at home! And you always keep on nagging that you're so tired, but then you go to the city and suck up to them!! Very stupid.
Me: What the fuck?? Suck up to?? To who???
She: Nevermind
Me: You mean B and R don't you?
She: Yeah, duh, I wouldn't know who else. I seariously think of it as rediculous. Bye.

And then she fucking went off-line before I was done typing that if she was talking to me like that, I would ignore her!!!

Well POK YOU!!!!

Emptyness...

2005-05-09T20:47:00.000+02:00

Boh...for the last couple of days I feel so goddamned empty...
Dunno why...
But it sucks...

Mich and I didn't talked today...I didn't know how to start and I didn't know what to say to her. Sure, I've said some things I shouldn't have. But I was angry with a reason. And her saying that I was overreacting things doesn't cut it.
Whatever, I'm sick of making myself upset over this over and over again.
I don't care anymore...
I just don't care.

Goth humor ;)

2005-05-03T21:46:00.000+02:00

Sorry people, but I like weird humor...

Hehehehe

This one is so god damned hilarious ^-^
If you wanna see more, go visit: http://www.writheandshine.com/ and enjoy!!

Fok!

2005-04-29T15:49:00.000+02:00

Why can't I be strong???
Why do I always have to hurt others and myself???
Even when I don't mean it!!!

I made Mich even more angry at me, I made mom worried and shocked with my stupid cuttings, and I know for sure that José is feeling guilty because he wants to help me!!!
Damn!!!

Go to hell!!

2005-04-27T20:58:00.000+02:00

Tss, weakling....
Running away when it becomes to difficult for you isn't it???
You know, I thought you were better then this, but I think I made a slight miscalculation in that.
And yes, this is only your fault, not mine. Is that clear? Good.
Listen up, what you did, is not what a friend should do. NEVER. Doesn't matter or you forgot it or not, you shouldn't have done it.
And thanks to you, I'll be alone at home.
Really, thanks a lot
*cough*Sarcasm*cough*
I would never treat you the way you did to me, that's just not how friends treat eachother. That's one of the reasons I doubt our friendship now.
Besides, you've broken my trust 2 times in 2 weeks...And that's just too much.
You've hurted me too much, but I think you don't even see that, caught in your own fantasyworld.
Come on!! Grow up!! Open your eyes!!
This is not how the grown up world works ok?
Like I told you, this feels as a one-way relationship. I give and you take. No matter what you say, I don't see anything of you trying to be there for me...
One good point in this, you make it very easy for me to leave school this way.
I won't miss anything now...

I still can't believe that you're so immature and childish.
Come-on, you're nearly 18 goddamned!!!

Narrow minds...

2005-04-24T21:00:00.000+02:00

Saturday I was in the city...
While walking over a bridge I saw a small group of Lonsdalers. When I passed them I heard one of them say to me: Hey!!! You're crying!!
And then laughing.
Morrons.
Besides, I wasn't even "crying" with my make-up, all I had was a cross turned upside down and some sort of (how to describe it? Ever seen Kabuki by David Mack?? Well, something that is on the mask of Scarab, but then with a dot on the edge.)

I had the urge to say to him: Hey, your bald!! (very obviously, just as my unusual make-up)but didn't do it. Lonsdalers are known to be violent sometimes, especially when they wear army shoe's with white shoelaces like that guy did...

Just narrow minded thos guys....
And unfortunately, a lot others too...

Tripple me

2005-04-14T13:05:00.000+02:00

This is something nobody knows yet.
Actually, there are 3 types of me. It's not that I'm schyzofrenic (or however you write that) but I have 3 alterego's. (Well, something like that...XD)

The first one is Bird. She's the nice girl who cares a lot about others and what they think of her. She's hurted a lot and still has scars inside her because of that. She forgives very easily and can be very weak but she's trying to work on that very hard. She's kinda quiet. And she's the one others notice the most.

Then there's Darkchild. She's the more morbid one of the three, the more loud, the more bold and the artistic one. She has a facination for the more darker things in life and is interessted in lot's of things. She thinks a lot as well and can be very strict towards herself. She doesn't really like herself but wants to change that. Sometimes you can notice her.

And then, at least, there's Ekibyougami. (Eki for short) She's the most dangerous and selfdestructive. She can be quit selfish and not caring about what others might think. When noticeble, she's acting quit bitchy and she's angry very easily. Tho she has some good points as well, she can listen very carefully and she stands her ground. When she cares about some-one, she does that with everything she has. She kinda hate herself but doesn't give a damn about it. She's nearly never noticable, but always below the surface.

The problems for me start, when Darkchild and Eki combine...
That are the times I fail, the times I can't handle myself.
Times I'm going through now...

-Darkchild has spoken-

Noooooooo!!!!

2005-04-01T13:02:00.000+02:00

Cu2 took over TM!!!
And now all the profiles look the same!!!
:'(
I don't like Cu2 and I just hope this is a 1 april joke...
Like last year. They said last year that That's Me woul be no more...but thank the gods that was a joke...
*prays this is a joke as well*
I think I'll quit whit TM if it isn't a joke, cause this totally sucks...
My background is gone, the theme is gone, the picture in the message corner is gone. Everything!!!

Bah.

Why o why....

2005-03-23T21:01:00.000+01:00

Are computers causing so much trouble!!!!
Whaa!!!!!

Out of run

2005-03-20T12:34:00.000+01:00

Ok people, it can be that I won't post for a while.
Don't worry, that's due to that focking virus.
The whole computer is messed up and nothing works how it's supposed to be.
So my dad is gonna bring everything back to the normal state one of these days (wich means, deleting everything and then placing things back)but I don't know when...
And it may take some days before everything is fixed...Great, just great.
(Damn...)

Sometimes I wish you dead!!

2005-03-19T14:37:00.000+01:00

Boh, that bitch really pissed me off wednesday and thursday...
Damn!!!

I came at the place we usually meet eachother to bike to school...
She wasn't there. Usually we're there round half past 7. I was there 3 minutes later. But she sometimes appears 10 minutes later, so I waited...and I waited...and waited...
She didn't came. So I thought "Maybe she's sick" and tried to call her...Nobody picked up. I thought "Maybe she forgot her mobile" It was stormy so it was likely she was late -again-
After 15 minutes I was like "Fuck it, I go...is she's late then it's her problem, not mine" And left.

When I came on school I SAW HER FUCKING BIKE ALREADY THERE!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK?????

I went into school, and saw Mich. She was very supprised to see me because she thougt I wouldn't come since Lisan came without me. "Lisan came on school alone, I thought you wouldn't come anymore! And she said she waited for you for 10 minutes"

WELL THAT'S A FUCKING LIE!!!!
Damn, that's the second time she did this!!!
I'm just so pissed at her right now...

I appeared in class with Mich, and said "Also Hi" to her...She looked very strange...arrogant. And immideatly looked sugestive to Jamie Lee.

FUCK HER!!!

And later, she pretended like nothing had happened!!!
Later, when I was behind the computer, I decided to write her a mail to tell her I thought it was better if we didn't bike to school together...
So far so good...

Next day, I arrived on school and I thought "What kind of reaction will she give? Will she be mad ad me?"
Well, suprise suprise, she acted completely normal. She chosed to pretend she's blind!!!
Typically her....
Maybe she's afraid to tell me what she thinks...

Anyway, I did what I could, it's up to her now. And if she wants to keep op fooling herself...FINE.
I'm done with her.

FOREVER

Record list

2005-03-14T13:26:00.000+01:00

Hehehe, I like music to much...I know (A)
But I don't care.
So here's the list of records I got thus far.
(c)Means it's a copy from the original ;)
And yes, I have a few records I wonder why the heck I have them :$

After Forever - Prison of Desire
After Forever - Deceipher
After Forever - Invisible Circles
Apocalyptica - Apocalyptica plays Metallica by four Chellos(c)
Apocalyptica - Inquisition Symphony(c)
Apocalyptica - Cult(c)
Apocalyptica - Reflections(c)
Asrai - Touch in the dark
Autumn - When lust evokes the curse
Avril Lavigne - Let go
Avril Lavigne - Under my skin
Crazy Town - The gift of game
Crazy Town - Darkhorse
Eminem - The Marshall Matters LP
Eminem - The Eminem show
Epica - The Phantom Agony
Evanescence - Demo's(c)
Evanescence - Origin(c)
Evanescence - Fallen
Evanescence - Anywhere but home (live)
Good Charlotte - Young and the Hopeless
HIM - And love said no
Hoobastank - the Reason
Intwine - Intwine
Katatonia - Viva Emptiness
KoRn - Issiues
KoRn - Follow the leader
KoRn - Untouchables
KoRn - Take a look in the mirror(c)
Lacuna Coil - Unleashed memories
Lacuna Coil - Comalies
L'ame Immortelle - Various songs(c)
Leaves' Eyes - Lovelorn
Limp Bizkit - Results may vary
Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory)- Hybrid Theory EP(c)
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
Linkin Park - Reanimation
Linkin Park - Meteora
Linkin Park - Live at Texas
Linkin Park (ft Jay Z) - Coullision Course(c)
Mnemic - Mechanical Spin Phenomena(c)
Mnemic - Audio Injected Soul(c)
Nemesea - Mana
Nightwish - Oceanborn
Nightwish - Wishmaster
Nigtwish - Century Child
Nightwish - Once
Penumbra - Seclusion
Rammstein - Mutter
Rammstein - Reise Reise
Rhapsody - Symphony Of Enchanted Lands 2 -The Dark Secret-
Seether - Disclaimer 2
Sirenia - At sixes and sevens
Sum41 - All killer no filler
Trail of Tears - A new dimension of might(c)
Within Temptation - Enter
Within Temptation - Mother Earth
Within Temptation - The Silent Force

And, at last but not least, the old one's ;)
-Don't be shocked ok? AND DON'T LAUGH!!!-
The last one is the oldest
Busted - Busted
Shakira - Laundry service
Loona - Lunita
Destiny's Child - This is the remix
Brandy - Full Moon
The Bangles - The best of the Bangles
Gspot - N-R-G
Eve - Scorpion
Alice DJ - Who needs guitars anyway?
Melanie C - Northern Star
Madonna - Ray of light
Spice Girls - Spiceworld
Spice Girls - Spice

Lalalalalaaaa....that's it folks......

Virus

2005-03-13T13:36:00.000+01:00

Boh....
We have a virus on the computer again (thanks bro) and my dad wants to reset the whole shit. Wich means that all my photo's, all my songs, all the pictures I have saved, and all my documents will be lost. Great, just great.

Why?

Sh*t....

2005-03-08T21:42:00.000+01:00

Mich...I'm sorry!!
I wish I was there for you...
I wish I had been to school today...
I guess you've felt miserable today, and I wasn't there!
I understand why you did it...and I feel sorry for you, cause I wished you wouldn't need it anylonger...
But I know how difficult that is...

We'll come out of this ok? I promise. I won't let you down!!!

Changing

2005-03-08T10:50:00.000+01:00

I've the feeling lately that I'm changing somewhat...
And perhaps not in a possitive way...

I don't really mind what others think about me anymore
I don't give a damn about school anymore...
And I even notice that I started to like other music. I still like music with female voices a lot, but I don't mind the grunters anymore...usually I didn't really liked that...

Soo...am I changing in a possitive way or not?

Eheh...

2005-03-05T14:32:00.000+01:00

Sorry I didn't wrote a while...
But I was just to lazy to do so...and I didn't knew what to write...

But I'll try to be back as soon as I can ok?
*in case someone misses me XD*

Music list

2005-02-19T21:39:00.000+01:00

Ok everybody...
This is my music list at the moment, but it's likely to grow further ;)

After Forever(+)
Apocalyptica(+)
Asrai(+)
Autumn(+)
Crazy Town(+)
Darkwell(-)
Edenbridge(-)
Epica(+)
Evanescence(+)
Flogging Molly(-)
Godsmack(+)
HIM(+)
Hoobastank(+)
In Flames(-)
Imperia(-)
Katatonia(+)
KoRn(+)
Lacuna Coil(+)
Leaves' Eyes(+)
Linkin Park(+)
Lost Prophets(+)
Lullacry(-)
Lunatica(-)
Marilyn Manson(-)
Mnemic(+)
Nemesea(+)
Nightwish(+)
Penumbra(+)
Rammstein(+)
Rhapsody(+)
Seether(+)
Sirenia(+)
Slipknot(-)
Staind(+)
Theatre of Tragedy(-)
Trail of Tairs(+)
Tristania(+)
Within Temptation(+)

Hehehe....

-UPDATE-
Angelzoom

Rainy day

2005-02-18T11:56:00.000+01:00

[Mood: cold]
[Music: Mnemic- Door 2.12]

Ok, it has been a while since I posted something serious...
I've been a bit busy...Ok ok, and lazy too ;)
Today is one of those rainy days wherein you have nothing better to do then boring yourself... I don't really like these days actually. I'm glad I don't have to go to school by the way in this kind of weather (A) I hate biking in the rain.
Anyway, I have nothing better to do now then sit here in front of the comp and write something....
I only have to think about what...

Hmmm
OK, since I started with Prozac a some things are changed. According to my shrink and parents I'm doing better then a month before. And I'm glad about that. I haven't cut for 32 days exact right now...I hope I can keep it up, since I still have the feeling I have to injure myself, nearly everyday. But till now I have avoided doing it. Mom said I should feel proud of myself. Well, I don't...really. This doesn't feel special or anything. Just normal. I know that that might seem strange. But I have no answers to that and a lot of other questions. And perhaps I'll never find them too...
This might sound a bit strange and chaosly (is that even a word?)But it's how I feel...and my feelings are strange. I can't even explain them or let them out.

Yeah, that's something else mom told me. She said she never sees me angry. And she's right. It's not that I never AM angry..it's just that I don't let it out. And I can't stay angry for very long. An hour is the max. I know that can't be good. But I just don't know how to let it out...And if I AM angry, I'm thinking about what others might think of me if I started yelling at them or so. In the past people never took me serious when I was angry. They just laughed at me.

Another reason could be that I want to avoid fights with others...They might get angry at me too when I'm angry at them, so it's better not to show it. That's what I thought tho...Perhaps I was wrong...

July

2005-02-10T16:02:00.000+01:00

I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...
I wish it was July...

And some-one knows why ;)

I wish it was July...

Bohhh...

2005-02-08T21:09:00.000+01:00

C'mon...

Is it done already?

Crap!!!

2005-02-08T20:58:00.000+01:00

Crappy msn...
Crappy brother...
Crappy school...
Crappy mood...

Crappy everything...

Prrt....

2005-01-29T23:29:00.000+01:00

Didn't felt like writing...at all...

I didn't wrote in my journal either...I dunno...I just can't bring myself to it.
Like I'm a bit afraid to do it or so...

Anyway, (nearly) everything is ok again...
And I noticed I'm starting to feel a little bit better.

FUCK YOU!!!!

2005-01-20T13:20:00.000+01:00

How dare she!!!
How dare she, how dare she!!!

Mom readed my journal, and now is angry at me!!! Because what she red there!!!
How the FUCK dare she!!!

She misused my trust!!!
"Intuition" Ha!
Intuition my ass!!!

Go ahead, call Leonie and tell her everything. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!

If you already knew this was gonna happen, then why the fuck are you so angry at me huh? I really tried so hard, how dare you to blame me!!!!
It only went wrong once, ONCE!!!

And I already told you I'm not always feeling like that!!! You don't know anything!!! I thought you understood what I told you, but you didn't!!! In fact you weren't even listening!!!

I'm so mad and angry right now...I could kill some-one...
So STAY OUTTA MY WAY!!!!

Again...

2005-01-17T14:00:00.000+01:00

I've failed again...
After more then a month I have sinned again...
Forgive me...

Amsterdam

2005-01-06T20:19:00.000+01:00

Ok, last tuesday I've been to Amsterdam with Michelle.
It was fun ^-^
I've never been there to shop actually, only with school.

A lot of shops sucked by the way...they all had the same crap...
But it was fun anyway, to watch the people and all

I bought new over the knee striped socks...
Lipgloss
New Overzeas!!!
And 2 records (Yeah, I'm music addict)
Disclaimer2 from Seether, and At sixes and sevens from Sirenia
So cool ^-^

OK, this is it for now...maybe some more later

Alright...

2005-01-01T21:58:00.000+01:00

Where the heck is my background????!!!!

POK!!!!

2004-12-30T20:37:00.000+01:00

That fokking msn isn't working!!!!

WHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Revelations

2004-12-28T21:05:00.000+01:00

Ok, then, at last, the prom report or something...

Well, the whole fisrt part of the day was shitty. Got soaked 3 times... Had to wait an hour before I could go to Leonie. The conversation was stupid to...couldn't really keep my concentration. Back home I was cold and wet everywhere. Mom was acting strange. She had one of her bad moods again...

Took a shower, packed stuff for tonight and tomorrow (christmas assemply and a brunch at school)

Then Michelle and her mom came to pick me up. Took an hour to come to their house (normally less then half an hour)

After dinner we went upstairs to do hair and stuff. Mich wanted to straighten my hair. I don't know or it helped much, but it was cool. Then we changed clothes and all, doing make-up. That took a while, becuse we were on-line too and listening music. ^-^

Anyway, inside the building it was already pretty busy. When we came upstairs, one of the teachers I like the most took a picture from us with a digital cam.
Saw Lisan and Inge too...Man, they were looking so god damned arrogant... :S
Unbelievable...Where's the girl I used to know?
Mich and I tried to talk with them...But it was useless. It felt really uncomfortable. So we went into teh music room. Man, why do they always play awful music on such party's?
Ok ok, the style of music I like is very unusal, so no, it's not very likely they'll play that... But still...

Anyway, we drinked a little, and things were getting a bit more (how do you say that?) at ease or something. Downstairs there was some kind of bar where you could talk and sit and all. We did that cause we were both walking around on high heels so our feeth hurted a lot...
We ended up talking about personal stuff...I can't remember anymore how, but I ended up telling her about my depresion and S.I...
And she, she told me she had been cutting a while...

So she undertood completely where I was talking about!! Man, I was so glad about that. I've been doubting a lot wheter to tell it her or not. I was afraid she couldn't handle it...But she did...

She showed me three scars on her wrist, they weren't very vissible but I understand why she's so afraid someone will see...cause when you look close, you'll see them...
I'm afraid I shocked her kinda by showing her one of my wrists...Sorry...

We were both so happy we could tell it to someone else...
She told me I was the first and only one with who she felt so comfortable. I was very glad to hear that. She's very special to me....
Perhaps, if we hadn't drunk we wouldn't have said those things...but I'm glad it happened...

And ofcourse, something had to happen that spoiled a bit of the evening...
Thierry was there...WHO THE HECK INVITED HIM???
And ofcourse he recognized me and started repeating my name over and over...He never changed a bit...

Anyway, we were home late, very late. And it was even later before we fell asleep. We talked a lot.

Ok

2004-12-18T19:25:00.000+01:00

I'm ok again right now...

Today I was with mom to the city...
Spended to much money I'm afraid, but it was ok. ^-^
I bought some new Gothic clothing!!!! yeah!!!

Even that beautiful dress I tryed on the last time I was there with Michelle. And a top and a shirt as well. So cool. And mom gave me a necklace with a rose on it. Very beautiful.

Mom bought a necklace there as wel. The three holy godesses, the maiden, the wise woman and the old lady (or something like that)I know they use that symbol in the wiccan relegion, but she liked it a lot.

What else did I bought?
Legwarmers (or however you call them in English)
a record from Rapsody
the Ring dvd boxset (4 dvd's!! :o)
and underwear
And that's it.

Oh, and mom gave me some gloves to wear at the prom. Yeah, to hide all the scars...
And now I'm home alone ^-^

Nobody anybody

2004-12-17T19:09:00.000+01:00

This is me
A nobody

And that is you
You're a nobody too

And those are them
They're all what I not am

And all I never shall be
A somebody

---

2004-12-17T18:35:00.000+01:00

OK...the grand final has begun...

*sigh*

All emotions are flashing around in my head now, and I don't know how to let them out. I wish I could scream, could break something, WHATEVER!!!!

This is driving me NUTS!!!
That fucking psychatrist prescribed (or whatever the right word is) me PROZAC!!!

I'm a fucking LIAR, and I hate liars!!!

They want me to throw away my razors, but I CAN'T!!!!

And I've had a fucking BREAKDOWN, and right now I wish to do it even more, I don't care about whatever right now.

THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!

Cuppycake song

2004-12-16T21:23:00.000+01:00

You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie Pie
You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop
Snoogums-Boogums, You're
the Apple of my Eye

And I love you so and I want you to know
That I'll always be right here
And I love to sing sweet songs to you
Because you are so dear.

This song is just so fucking sweet and cute :D

Threefold Law

2004-12-14T20:54:00.000+01:00

This song is for a friend of me who is interested in the Wiccan religion very much.
It's not my own, but I like it very much.

(choir)
Audias attente
Antequam agis meditare
Etenim est lex factum
Foedus sagis olim factum

Memento semper legis trium
ter quod das
as te reveniet
Tantum acquires quantum mereris!

Listen very carefully!
Think well before thou act!
'Cause there's an ancient law
An olden witches pact

Thirteen witches came together
at midnight in a wood
A chalice with wine and their blood
and no difference between evil and good

(choir)

(chorus) Ever mind the rule of three
Three times what thou givest will return to thee!

The witches wrote it down on vellum
'cause it's important to learn
So everyone could read
"Thee only gets what thou dost earn!"

(chorus)

Learn from that, people. ^-^
By the way, I don't get why some people think wiccans are worshipping Satan...Or is that just me? :S

Well well well...

2004-12-08T20:44:00.000+01:00

It took me a while to post something...but here it is!
The stupid sign-in button doesn't really work here...Dang...
Sorry if some-one started to worry...

Anyway...Not much changed...Lisan left me behind completely forgotten...
School sucks...I fail nearly every test lately...Therapy is hard, and probably will get only harder...
I'm so tired ever since the moment I wake up...I hate it...
And I completely lost my concentration abillity...
God, I just hope they hurry up with that stupid intake about me needing medicines or not...I feel like I'm slipping away or so...

Can't be good...

I tryed really hard to quit that god-damned cutting, but as usually, I fail over and over again...
Hope I can restrain myself from it this week as I prommised...

Part of me - LP

2004-11-23T20:15:00.000+01:00

Part of me won't go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can't live without it so it's senseless
Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low cause it's part of me
Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I'm sick of this
I can't stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade on my sanity
I rather not even be then the man that's staring in the mirror through me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me

Chorus:
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

It can be frightening if you've never felt it
Once it's been dealt with you feel like you've been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the calm when the problem's all gone
And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can't let be
Memories of the last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if you're willing to
Put a stop to just what's killing you

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what's killing me

Chorus

Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently (repeats with next line)
This part of me won't go away, part of me won't go away

Everywhere I look around I see how everything aught to be
Every time I see myself there's always something wrong with me

Chorus 2X

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me

Missing - Evanescence

2004-11-21T15:08:00.000+01:00

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[CHORUS]
Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[CHORUS]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

This is their new single...
I don't really understand that, coz the song is old already...
I have in on my comp for more then half a year now...
Very strange. It's true it's a very beautiful song. And sometimes I feel like that. That nobody here at home and school will miss me when I'd disappear one day...

What is it...#3

2004-11-21T14:42:00.000+01:00

That nothing goes the way I would like it to go???

It's unfair...

For my dear

2004-11-17T21:18:00.000+01:00

For always being there for me
For caring for me
For his everlasting support I needed so much
For being such a wonderful person
For being so nice to me
For all his kind words
For calling me (A)
For always listening to me
For all his trust in me
For all his patience with me
For having faith in me
For being honest to me
For loving me because I am me
For being the person he is

This one is for you, for you
Only for you...

Pale - Within Temptation

2004-11-17T20:31:00.000+01:00

The world seems not the same
though I know, nothing has changed
It's all my state of mind
I can't leave it all behind
I have to stand up to be stronger

Ch.
Have to fight, to break free
from the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
in the end it's worthwhile
that the pain that I feel slowely fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realise
time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
have to trust it will be alright.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Ch.

Oh, this night is to long.
Have no strenght to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist I see the face
of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay

Ch.

Such a beautiful song...

BDA

2004-11-16T21:10:00.000+01:00

Also known as Break Down Alert...
After a couple days in wich it was going kinda fine with me, I got a break down...
Nice, very nice (yes, I'm sarcastic now) And I already know now that I'll end up cutting again...even tho I want to stop with it...

I hate this!!

*Sigh*
I thouht I was going to be ok now, but it seems I'm not.
O well, I have to go to Leonie tomorrow, maybe she knows what to do when I have a BDA...To restrain myself from cutting...Cause I seem not to be able to do it alone. I'm to weak...

*Cries*
And I won't be able to msn with my dear till friday!!!
So unfair...

Tha Birthday...

2004-11-15T20:34:00.000+01:00

It was fun.

A lot of people came, some friends...a friend stayed over...

Ok, this is what I got
PARENTS: new mobile phone, phonecard, 2 chocolate bars
BRO: DvD Underworld
NEIGHBORS:Money, chocolate, coupon
MICHELLE: Fishnetgloves (new ones!! ^-^) eyeshadow, earrings
LISAN: Hello Kitty mug
CYNTHIA: Shower stuf

And a lot more money and all...

An Jerry came. That was so cool. Since I've never really met him before, and he's living kinda far away. More then an hour by train plus half an hour by bus.
It was kinda weird to meet him in real life. Oh, and Annelie didn't come. She was fell ill. I hope she'll be better soon. And all the stories Cynth tol us ^-^ My my...

Lisan didn't stay long...She had better things to do...
*Sighs*
Guess it's really over...Well, it isn't anymore what it used to be between us...

Oh, and sunday I had to work. And the guys on work bought something for me as well!!!
That was really an suprise O.o
Coupons for records/DvD's and a shirt. They were afraid I wouldn't like it. But I did. Tho I wouldn't have bought in myself. I liked it because they thought of me and all...

And today I bought a record (the new one from Within temptation) Silent Force. AND AN EVANESCENCE SWEATER!!!! Yeah!!! ^-^ (Michelle as well...don't really mind it)

Tomorrow...

2004-11-11T13:10:00.000+01:00

Is my birthday...Tho I cannot say I feel like I'm nearly 18...
More like I'm 15 or so...It's very strange.

I don't feel like it's my birthday tomorrow, not at all...

I wanted to place the lyric below long ago..but forgot it...So here it is
(for what it's worth)

PLEASE

Somewhere I've got the strange feeling
We're walking the wrong way
being to much together
With nothing left to say
Please don't turn away again
I wish I could make it like back then
We both can't talk about our inner heart
So plese let us begin again from the start

We've build a bridge of anger
That floats us away
Botteling up our frustrations
But still we dare not say
Our bond feels way ti frail
We are afraid to fail
But fail is what we did

Please listen, don't turn away
Please let me, show you how I feel
Please let us, refind our way
So please listen, to what I say

When I read back my diary's
Something appears clear to me
There's something I must do
Because it's nearly always about you
I've written down all my thoughts
They may be twisted
The truth lies somewhere in between
But somehow we both missed it

Please listen, don't turn away
Please let me, show you how I feel
Please let us, refind our way
So please listen, to what I say

How could you've ignored all I left for you behind
Now we're both lost and the way back not easy to find

How could we have not see this coming...

DingDong

2004-11-11T09:31:00.000+01:00

Will the man who belongs to this lost girl please stand up and take her with him?
I repeat: Will the man who belongs to this lost girl please stand up and take her with him? She's starting to get annoying here.
Thank you.

Hmmm

2004-11-09T13:55:00.000+01:00

Not exactly what I ment...But it shall do I think...
^-^

Unless someone knows how to make the background stop repeating...?

I like pink and black!!! Yeah!!! (And white and red)

What is it...#2

2004-11-09T13:54:00.000+01:00

That people always think I need there comments on my look?

Just let me be me ok????

Just something...

2004-11-08T13:28:00.000+01:00

I wanna know how to make a background here!!!
I wanna change the whole sh*t here but I don't know how!!!

Somebody help!!!

Ghoghogho

2004-11-08T13:05:00.000+01:00

What a weekend.
Boy o boy...
^-^

First I was to work in the morning (half past 11) Not to work, but to plan the days I have to work with the others working in the buffet. We are with...let's count...9 people there now...tho 4 of them can not work alone.
Anyway, a new guy would come working in the buffet in the evening. And that guy is an ex-classmate of me (he's an asshole) So me and another girl decided to check him out while he was working and to get something to drink there. Just for fun.

The rest of the afternoon I've studied (well, sort of) And went to the dentist again. (AU!!!) Tooth is fixed now I hope.
In the evening I promised to call my dear, but my parents just didn't want to leave to go to friends of them...
After they left I called, but it took longer then I had planned (It was fun tho, so I didn't mind it at all ^-^) Wonder what my parents will do when they find the bill...

Anyway, after the call I went to work. It wasn't really busy there. Everybody waitring and working in the kitchen asked me what the hell I was doing there ^-^
Said I just came to bore them. HeheheCeline (the other girl) and I drank some wine and she gave me a cigarette. "But I don't smoke" Is what I said. "Like that matters, just try it." Ehhh, Ok? So...I smoked for the first time in my whole f*cking life...Didn't really liked it... (another thing done before my 18th...1 thing left...)
It was past 12 before I left...Hehehe, I didn't plan to stay THAT long...But it was fun so what the heck? Thought my parents were gonna yell at me, but it turned out they weren't even at home. Everything was dark. So I went to the house their friend live (One street behind us) They were playing a funny game called "The werewolves of Wakkerdam" It was way to late for I was home...

Sunday working day in the evening...It wasn't very busy so I was back a quarter past 11. And today, I totally overslept!!!! I woke cause I heard some noise, and looked what time it was. It was 3 min. past 7!!! And I was supposed to leave at a quearter past 7!!! Hehehe, thanks to my mom everything went alright and I didn't arrive to late...Phew.

The situation with Lisan still remained the same...It so totally sucks...She only talked about the things she did with Inge this weekend, over and over again...

Still breathe

2004-11-06T20:08:00.000+01:00

It doesn't matter how many years will pass
You will still remember.
Feeling the pain deep inside
The gaping hole they made
It will never close again

Broken
Betrayed
Banished
And begging to whither away

See the shimmering
You know you should not touch it
Feel the cold
Just give up the fighting
You know you will loose anyway
(You're a looser!)
And give in...

Maybe this time you'll go to deep
Maybe tonight everything will end
So you bleed and bleed
And hope you will breathe, will breathe no more

(You are so afraid)
You know you can't go on like this
But feel to ashamed
To admit you need someone to save you
To save you from yourself

You're in agony
You feel so ashamed
You're so afraid
So you give in again

But maybe this time you'll fail again
And when the bleeding stops
You just know how it feels to be still alive
To still breathe, you still breathe
(It's a never ending circle)
Still breathe...

I found out the hard way

2004-11-04T19:23:00.000+01:00

NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS!!!!

-Slipknot-

It's over

2004-11-04T09:29:00.000+01:00

Between me and Lisan I'm afraid.

She let me fall on the time I needed her the most.
It hurts.

Like I said before, she mailed me a while ago. And in that mail she said she hoped I didn't thought of her as a bitch right now because she hangs out with Inge so much right now (She'll never take your place...O really? Don't make me laugh)
And that she was thinking of me as for granted, because I was always there (for her and all)

Don't she know how much that hurts???
She has never been there for me when I deeded her, always busy with herself and her things. Right now, we are only cycling from and to school together, and most of the time we do that in silence...
And when we're on school, as soon as Inge appears she's gone. Doesn't see me standing anymore.

Well, if it has to be this way, it's over for me. I don't want this anymore. I did my best to make it all alright again, but she didn't listen.

So from now on, I do not concider her as my best friend anymore. Just as a friend, and not even a good one. It's a pity it has to be this way. After so many years. But I don't want to go on this way, it hurts to much, she's irritating me to much, it is just to much.

She said in a conversation with another person we were still best friends, and I was thinking "O really? Why doesn't it feel that way then?" And that we both had other friends now to talk about our problems. Have WE ever talked really about our problems then? Don't think so. And that she saw us as one person.
Go to hell you!!! You did that yourself you stuborn bitch!! Always copying everyting I did. For years and years and I've become sick of that. Especially because she never admits she likes the things I do and has got a lot of things from me because of that.

For granted....Ha!

I know there exist a chance she'll read this blog one day, well, I don't care about it. I was told there was a good chance as well she already knew about the S.I thing. Well, if that is true, she've never showed me she knew. Perhaps she doesn't even care about it.

I'm done with her, completely.

What is it...#1

2004-11-02T20:45:00.000+01:00

That I always seem to forget what I want to post on my blog???

So tired....

2004-10-29T21:23:00.000+02:00

I am so tired. The whole day already.
To be fair, I'm already tired as soon as I get outta bed...
And that is very strange, since people of my age tend to be "in the strenght" of their life. Ready to conquer the world (as a matter of speaking)and chalenge life...

But that is not how it works with this girl here.
I don't know how it comes, but sometimes I'm falling asleep (nearly) at the most unusal times... Sometimes even when I'm at school...
Or my thoughts are driffting off. I can't concentrate when I have to study, no matter how much I try...

Bleh, I've got to work tomorrow evening, and I know already it will get very very busy. A week ago, already round 130 people booked...so that'll be only more right now....I don't want to!!!

Anyway, I think I'll dye my hair tomorrow. It'll be black. I alreday want black hair since I was in 4th grade but my parents are always complaining it'll make my face look "hard". Whatever. I'll see. Hmmm, maybe I'll do it that way the color doesn't last to long. So when it appears to look awful, it'll fade away fast...